Goodness Gracious Guilt...

So today I was thinking... I have made so many positive changes to my eating habits, my fitness, and my overall physical well-being.  There has been SO MUCH time and energy put into changing my physical self to be healthier.  It's been three years of hard work, backslides, more hard work, determination... and GUILT.  Whaaa???  I don't know if it's being female, being a Mom, being a wife, being a daughter, etc. etc... but somewhere along the way I have acquired this feeling of immense guilt.  Now I'm realizing, as I talk to more people around me, they feel the same way!  I'M NOT ALONE!  We need to have a self-inflicted-guilt anonymous group.  For absolutely no reason whatsoever, I have felt guilty when I DO go to the gym because I leave my kiddos with my husband.  I have felt guilty when I DON'T go to the gym because I'm not following through and staying focused on my initial goal.  I have felt guilty when I DO go to the gym but then DON'T work out as hard I "should" have.  I feel guilty when I splurge on food, I feel guilty when I don't eat enough because I might be guilty about eating too much.  I would feel guilty when I started losing a significant amount of weight because someone else around me was still struggling and I had seemingly hit my stride.  Seriously... the guilt spiral never ends.  I remember after having my babies, I felt guilty going back to work.  I felt guilty when I stopped breastfeeding because I hated having to pump in a utility closet at work.  I felt and still feel guilty if I don't adequately celebrate someone's birthday or get the perfect gift for someone.  I HONESTLY could go on and on and on about reasons I have and continue to feel guilty.  It's insane because nobody makes me feel that way. My husband has done nothing but support me going to the gym, doing races, going on runs, spending more on quality, clean food, and taking care of the girls while I do all this stuff.  I spend a good deal of time with my kids, so I don't feel like I'm shorting time with them, yet I feel guilty about not spending ENOUGH time with them.  I feel so bad when I can't take Anna to school more often, or help out in her classroom because I'm busy at my own.  I feel like I should be able to devote more time to helping her learn her letters, numbers, words, reading, etc.  By the time we all get home, we get dinner, clean up dinner, get lunch ready, get clothes laid out, brush teeth, get on pajamas, maybe play a game or... like tonight... try to make a from-scratch cake because Anna wanted to make cake pops.  I got the cake made, but no cake pops...we'll try again tomorrow night.  Well... thinking about this and all the reasons I'm feeling guilty like 97% of the time about SOMETHING I realized a couple things:  1.  I'm insane... why the hell am I feeling guilty so often?  2.  Nobody is making me feel this way except for myself.  3.  I have spent so much damn time on my physical self, maybe it's time for me to start with my noggin!  SERIOUSLY!!!!  What in the sam-hill am I doing to myself?  Good lordy it sounds SO CLICHE, but that stupid saying that real changes goes from the inside out?  It's true... I think I had some kind of weird guilt revelation.  I think that's my missing link.  I have to let go of the guilt.  I need to be able to say, "I'm a good Mom, dammit."  "I'm a good teacher."  "I'm a good wife."  "I'm a good daughter."  "I'm a good sister."  "I'm a good employee."  "I'm a good worker-outer."  (That is definitely not a word... but you get my drift.)  I have become good at balancing my food with festivities and real life.   I think we all need to do that for ourselves.  We are SO HARD on ourselves.  Ya' know?  I look around at people I truly and completely admire and think to myself that if I could just get my shit together like that, I'd be better off.  But then I get to know those people and realize they have so many of their own pit-falls and sometimes we need to take a second to pat EACH OTHER on the back to remind ourselves that we really are pretty bad-ass.  

My sister, she had a full-time job, a new husband, an apartment to keep up, works out like a super-star, has an INCREDIBLE social life, works her ass off in everything she does and still manages to throw super-cute get-togethers and make time for the folks she keeps close.  My Mom... I don't know where to start there... she is the smartest, most intelligent woman I know that took a new full-time job after retiring from her last full-time federal job and is on more boards and panels and committees than I have pieces of food particles on my living room floor (for those of you that have kids... you know that's a LOT).  She was a hard-core working Mom that made it to pretty much every piano recital, every stupid choir concert, and every parent-teacher conference.  (HOW THE HELL DID SHE DO THAT?)  My sister-in-law married my brother and gave up a full-time career to devote more time and energy to her kids and family and friends.  She works out all the time (even takes her kids to kids yoga and stuff) is creative and intelligent beyond measure, and is involved in so many groups and clubs and is able to help in her kiddos classrooms pretty much whenever possible.  Just my immediate family and close friends has the most amazing spectrum of women that do all these amazing things... and yet... we have had numerous conversations about how we feel we're lacking in some ways and inevitably feel bad about it.  So in thinking about this I'm going to try to take my transformation home... I'm taking it home to the brains and heart to hope that in doing so, I can feel like I'm making a more complete transformation.  (However, I feel that word... transformation... is kinda' stupid.  It's not like I'm a different person or anything... but that's just the word people use... so I'll use it 'cuz I'm a sheep, what can I say? )  The physical stuff will be a bit easier because instead of punishing or celebrating non-existent deficits and downfalls, I can stay more stable and confident and not get freaked out about the little shit.  I am a human person with human faults and a super-human level of potential for whatever I believe I'm capable of.  I am not special in that. We can all have that if we take some time to pat each other on the back and give each other more praise than we do right now.  Sometimes there are people that just make you feel good, and I believe that we can all be that person.  I know I can be better about it.  Who doesn't love a compliment?  I mean, we all say... "Oh geez..." when someone says something nice like we don't deserve it.  But it puts a little more spring in your step and makes you grin just a little bit inside.  The truth is, we MEAN it when we say these things... we're not just saying it to appease someone.  I know that I am not a sugar-coating kind of person, so if I say you look nice, or your hair looks cute, or your make-up is particularly lovely that day, or that you just are genuinely kind of kick ass... take it in and SWIM AROUND IN IT because it's real.  I mean it.  I'm going to continue to try to make positive changes by working out and eating good, healthy food... but I'm also going to try to stop feeling guilty and acknowledge other people's efforts in being a Mom, being a wife, being a sister, being a friend, being a daughter, etc. etc.  Those are tough jobs sometimes and the more support and encouragement I can give might help make their load a little lighter to carry that day.  Who's with me?  

Meanwhile, I fed my belly with:

Breakfast:  Before leaving a bit early to take Mama to the airport, I made a weird concoction of coconut, berries, almond butter, coconut milk and some almonds.  Kinda' weird, but also kinda' good.

Lunch:  Salad with some leftover steak and balsamic dressing... and grapefruit (of course).

Dinner:  Hamburger patty with guacamole and some bacon.  Then sadly I followed it up with some of the cake pop cake... some?  Well... lots.  Oops.  BUT I'M NOT GONNA' FEEL GUILTY, DAMMIT.

Monday is DUUUUUUHN.  On to Tuesday and let's hope that neither girl wakes up in the middle of the night and I get some freaking sleep.