You're Just What I Needed!

In my head, the title of this post is sung... like that Cars song... "You're just what I needed!"  (This Song)  I have been feeling pretty sorry for myself lately.  Not like, "Oh, poor me" but more like, "Oh man, I have all this stuff I have to deal with in my life."  I guess that's pretty much "poor me," isn't it?  I'll admit I have been feeling pretty overwhelmed with life lately, but really it's just LIFE STUFF.  Everybody has something to shoulder, and the things I'm "saddled with" aren't really that big of a deal.  Anyway, today was a day that turned things around for me.

Today's post is kind of a two-parter.  I got super pissed last night because I tried to post and it lost all my shit, so I gave up and went to bed. So I will do an abbreviated post on what I was GOING to post yesterday.  What it boiled down to was that one of the things that keeps me going in this whole paleo gig is planning.  It DOES require a bit of planning and I do have to be aware of what I'm doing for food throughout the week.  My love affair with planning and organization started WAY before I got on the paleo train.  For example, when I was a kid I used to INSIST on organizing the pantry in our family's kitchen and my Mom's medicine/toiletries cabinet.  It used to make me totally unsettled when I would see canned goods mixed with peanut butter, mixed with sugar, mixed with rice.  There needs to be an order to things, for goodness sake.  My Mom's medicine cabinet was my FAVORITE because I used to use shoe boxes to put like items together and sort them and get rid of the stuff that looked funky.  I LOVED it. My Dad used to tease me because I seriously asked for Rubbermaid containers once for a birthday.  I know, kind of a weirdo, but I love order, I love routine, and I love to know what to expect... whether it be when I open a cupboard or when I get ready to make dinner.  Planning on paleo ensures that you have SOMETHING ready to be prepped or eaten every day so you're not having to sacrifice and default to something crappy.  I have always been a meal planer, and I have ALWAYS loved to make grocery lists.  I make my list according to the order of the store.  In fact, I make an initial list and then re-make the list crossing off things as I re-write them on the NEW list in the order of the store.  I'm freaking myself out saying this.  Wow, I'm nuts.  But seriously, it's unbelievably fulfilling.  If you've never tried it do it... you just might love it and it SERIOUSLY cuts down on impulse buys.  It's kind of like clothes shopping and you end up with all shirts and no pants or skirts.  It'll never happen with adequate planning.  It's no accident that on my team of teachers at school I'm in charge of scheduling out the year and planning for lessons so we teach all the topics we need to teach by certain deadlines.  Love it.  It's a sickness but it's wonderful. I also am realizing, as I watched my 3-year-old make it so her glasses were perfectly squared off to the table and totally even with her sister's... that POSSIBLY... that apple didn't fall far from the tree.  Sooooo... in an effort to keep myself and our family organized, this calendar is magic.  
 It makes me happy.  I scoured Barnes & Noble for the perfect calendar for our family to use to stay on top of things.  It's posted in our kitchen and this particular calendar fits EVERY bill I needed.  It actually has a SLOT built in for meals.  I love this thing and God help us all if they ever stop making it.  This is year four in the making of this bad boy.  I've sought it out over and over and it's never let me down.  So yesterday was meal planning, grocery shopping, and re-stocking the fridge.  I love when we have practically NOTHING in our fridge because we've used up EVERYTHING we bought and we've followed the meal plan to the point where we're not wasting bags and bags of produce.

On to part two.  I'm not going to say much here, but when you have a day like today... I look at what I have in my life and I feel so incredibly lucky and fulfilled.  I woke up and went for a crispy fall morning run, worked out doing some pull-ups (no, I can't do a real one... jumping ones), push-ups (but I CAN do a mean "real" push-up), and squats, and then came home to a DELICIOUS breakfast cooked up by my amazing hubby.  He keeps my belly happy.  He takes very good care of us and he makes me happy.  Things aren't always perfect and no-doubt will never be... but for now, things are good and he is a hell of a guy.

THEN... we frenzied and packed up our stuff to hit the pumpkin patch with our group of friends (read: family) that we built up here.  My family is all over the place, and there's no family like it.  I'm a crazy lucky person.  I have an incredible "real" family, and I have this one... this is a family that's grown and evolved and is ever-changing.  But right now, it's a family that I've chosen and had a privilege to be a part of for quite a few years now.  We all have kids (see the newest little wee babe... SO SWEET), we all love hanging out, and we all make it a point to laugh with and at each other as much as possible.  We pumpkin patched and then went one of the couple's houses and had soup and sammies and hung out.  We held babies, ate good food (I made a paleo soup to take just to be sure I didn't gorge on paninis. That's not to say I didn't sneak a few bites from one or two of other people's sammies.  But soup is about the EASIEST thing to make paleo and VERY satisfying, so I did manage to stay away from the beer, the no-bake cookies, and the potato chips.), and laughed... a lot.  Moments like today are unfortunately few and far between, but oh-so-necessary for the goodness of my life.  I am happy right now.  At  this moment I can say that all the "life shit" that I was feeling overwhelmed by is still there.  My car's heater is still jacked, we still have bills to pay, I still have to find a way to move forward and today... it seems like somehow it'll all work out... just like things have a way of doing.  I love days like today... full and happy.  I'm sitting here at the end of this wonderful fall day with a fire in the fireplace, watching some cheesey Live Well Network TV show, and I'll start the next week of my life happy and I'll try to ride this wave as long as I can.

I nourished this belly today with:
Breakfast:  Sweet potato, onion, pepper, and spinach hash with two poached eggs.
Snack:  2 apples from the pumpkin patch (they grow 'em there).
Lunch:  Super paleo soup with tomatoes, avocado, and basil.  (And a few nibbles of assorted sandwich crusts... not gonna' lie.)  Also took a grapefruit with me and had two clementines poppers.  These things were TINY!
Dinner:  Leftover soup and some cashews.

Holy Mayo...

So a SERIOUS treat while eating "paleo" is real deal, super delicious, crazy thick, creamy and divine mayonnaise.  There are so many things to say about my day today, but at this point, these are small matters is that tonight we had a dinner that included a mayo that is about as easy as it gets and all with "healthy fats" and four ingredients and it is SO G.D. GOOD.  Just 'cuz I was curious, I happened to look at the label on our light mayo, and sweet lord... there are a LOT of things in there.  Then I looked online at the "olive oil mayos" that are available out there and still... SO MANY INGREDIENTS!  If you're going by the rule of thumb of, "if you can't pronounce it, don't eat it" mayo would be off the list.  BUT NOT ANYMORE!  I have made two PERFECT batches of mayonnaise and both times were put to VERY good use.  The first time I made your standard plain mayo for a batch of chicken salad to have handy for the week just in case we didn't want to do any work at all for something good, filling, and relatively healthy to eat.  It pretty much fills all the gaps, your protein, we even put cucumber and carrots in ours along with the celery, so you got your veggies (and usually I'm eating it in a lettuce wrap or on top of a bed of spinach), and a healthy fat... INSERT MAYO HERE!!!!  The second batch was tonight.  I need a minute because I really want to go in the kitchen and find something else to dip in to the leftovers.  But I'm being very selfless and leaving it for the hubby to make himself a batch of tuna salad.  When he makes tuna salad, he makes it just for him (which he totally should since he is always providing everything for me without really considering himself).  Now, some of you are gonna' wince, but I HATE pickles.  And yes... I have tried pretty much every variety of pickle.  Not least of which was my Grandmother's homemade pickles which are like gold in my family.  I just don't like 'em.  I keep trying them thinking it'll change.  I mean, taste buds change, right?  But this hasn't changed.  When we go out to dinner at a restaurant where a pickle comes on the plate, my hubby SNATCHES the pickle before the plate hits the table because even pickle JUICE has the potential to completely ruin my dining experience.  Seriously, I am SO not a picky eater.  I will pretty much try anything and usually more often than not I like it.  My college roommate will tell you that my tastebuds must have exponentially multiplied since I met her.  Every time we see each other, she always laughs at the "exotic" foods I am now eating... like black beans, avocado, spice.  HA!  She likes to tell the story of a time we went out to dinner for some Thai food and I ordered Pad Thai and when they asked how spicy I wanted the sauce, I said I didn't even want the sauce, just the noodles and veggies.  HAHAHA!!!  Man, I was such a sheltered midwestern nerd.  But I still don't like pickles.  I mean, Kansas has some great "ethnic" food, but we were raised on serious home-cookin'... casseroles, pot pies, meat loaves, roasts, etc.  At dinner every night there would be a STACK of white bread as a side dish.  Accompanied of course with butter and some variety of my Grandmother's homemade jelly.  Oh boy, that jelly.  As you can see by the fact that my Grandma made pickles, jelly, and every delicious baked good known to man, it's no mystery that a girl with absolutely no "off" switch in the food category would balloon up like a freaking walrus.  But alas... it was comfort food at it's best and there will ALWAYS be a time and place for that in my life and the life of my family.

Wow... I got on a SERIOUSLY divergent tangent there, but so worth it (that jelly again... my mind is reeling from the memory of the "crab apple jelly" that used to appear on our dinner table so regularly).  SHEESH!  Okay... back.  MAYONNAISE!  There simply are a lot of things you "give up" on this 30 day challenge, and dipping sauces are one of them unless you take some serious time and create something great from scratch.  Honestly, I just don't have the time and when I do I usually spend my time baking something completely sinful for my friends or making a version of a breakfast "treat" that isn't so much like a "treat" but more like a trick.  (I made some pumpkin muffins for my kiddos that are shockingly healthy and pretty damn comprehensive on the nutrition front... and they're none the wiser.)

So.... I made the first batch of mayo for chicken salad... (I promise I always come back  around... it just takes some time.)  Tonight, the batch I made started in the same SUPER SIMPLE way, but then I added cayenne pepper, garlic, and a basic cajun seasoning mix.  SPICY MAYO!!!!  OH. MY. GOODNESS.  It seriously hit the spot and went PERFECTLY with our burgers, sauteed onions and mushrooms, and... wait for it... SWEET POTATO FRIES.  I've mentioned it before, but sweet potatoes are one of those controversial 30-day-challenge topics.  Some folks say not to have them, others say do it in moderation particularly after a hard workout for "recovery."  Now, tonight... I didn't have a hard workout and I wasn't recovering... but it sounded SO GOOD with the burger.  When I realized there would be no ketchup, I went with mayo and it literally takes 2 minutes... if that!  Burgers are on a regular rotation at our house because we bought a quarter cow last year and we are definitely still eating through that mo-fo.  I say that lovingly because it is AWESOME to be able to go out to the freezer and pull a few things out for the week and not have to buy it at the store every week.  NOT TO MENTION the fact that the product is super high quality and natural, organic, grass fed from start to finish beef.  I mean, seriously.... looking at the farm where this cow came from, I wouldn't mind being a cow on that farm (except for the being killed after living such a wonderfully leisurely life for a while).  But anyhow... burgers are a regular deal in all varieties, shapes, and sizes.  You can make anything in to a variety of burger and for me, that HAS to include some kind of topping: ketchup, mustard, pesto, bbq sauce, or... MAYO!  So here is what I did tonight and honestly, please try this.  It's unbelievably wonderful and tastes SO GOOD.  The possibilities are COMPLETELY endless.  You can add herbs, seasonings, etc.  You can literally add ANYTHING you can think of that it whips right up into the most wonderfully thick concoction.  Okay... back to it... here is what I did.

I have an immersion blender and if you don't... go get one.  You can buy them for relatively cheap and I use it for everything from soups, mashed squashes, cauliflowers, to making my own simmered tomato sauces with half the effort.  The EASIEST mayo is made with the immersion blender and I like the consistency of using the immersion blender better than a food processor or a regular blender.  I've also tried to just whip my own using plain old elbow grease and it just doesn't thicken up the way this stuff does.  So here goes:

1. Put one egg and 2 teaspoons of lemon juice (the juice from a jar that you buy in the store is totally perfect) in a jar or tall-ish container for a few minutes to just take the chill off both.  (My immersion blender actually came with a tall plastic container made specifically to prepare things and store them in the container... like this.)
2. Then I added one cup of oil and this is the part that I believe is the most important.  My Costco started carrying avocado oil and this is AWESOME for mayo. Actually, it's pretty awesome for everything.  However, a super light olive oil is good too... just NOT extra virgin oil because it gets a funky flavor for some reason.  Avocado oil is seriously SO GOOD and I highly recommend if you can get your hands on it without breaking the bank.  I splurge a little on this because it's that good.
3. This is where you can add ANY flavors you want.  I added powdered garlic (fresh would be awesome for a little extra spicy bite), salt, pepper, cayenne pepper, and some cajun seasoning (make sure it's a blend with no sugar).  Let all that settle in so the egg settles back on the bottom of the container.
4. Put your immersion blender all the way on the bottom of the container and let 'er rip.  Hold it there without moving it for like 30 seconds.  It happens right in front of your eyes.  After 30 seconds, lift the blender up slowly and make sure all the oil is incorporated and everything is well blended.  
5. NOTHING!   That's it!  I refrigerate mine for a little while afterward just cuz I like that... but it's not necessary.  This mayo is good until the expiration of the egg you used.  

I realize that it uses raw egg, and I try to buy local cage free eggs from someone with chickens, but when I can't, I get as close to that as possible, whether at Trader Joe's or even Costco has some pretty good options (because we eat quite a bit of eggs around here).  

If you like mayo even a little bit, I seriously recommend this.  It's so incredibly good and it satisfies so many of those creamy cravings (that's what she said) that you don't get because of no dairy.  

One variety I'm dreaming of is using lime instead of lemon, then adding cilantro, avocado, jalapeno, and scallions.  That sounds so good, no?  I can see that in my very near future and when I do, I'll definitely let you know how it works out, but I have a feeling it'll be de-lightful.  

What else went in my belly today?  (besides mayo)

Breakfast: omelette with bacon, peppers, and mushrooms with a side bowl of raspberries, strawberries and shredded unsweetened coconut.

Lunch:  OH MY GOD I TOTALLY FORGOT HOW CRAPPY THIS WAS (the situation, not the food)!!!!  We had AWESOME leftover pork carnitas that I had prepared in a separate container from a great salad and then packed a side of an avocado salsa as a dressing and on teh way to the microwave to heat up the pork a little, I DROPPED IT!  It fell and went all over the industrial carpet at my school.  If I were home, no question... pick it up, eat it.  At school, where there are mice and about 10,000 little germ and poop footed infested people walking around... I just couldn't do it.  So I didn't.  So for lunch I had a pretty decent spinach and veggie salad topped with an avocado salsa, a grapefruit, and an apple.

Dinner:  Grass-fed quarter pound burger topped with sauteed onions and mushrooms with a side of sweet potato fries (dressed just with avocado oil, salt and pepper), and sweet, sweet spicy mayo.  Magic.  

Happy Hump Day... now go make some mayonnaise and figure out a way to thank me later.

Bump, Set, Spike...

Today was yet another reminder of just how FREAKING FAR my life has come since just a few years ago.  Today was our first 5th grade volleyball practice.  Now, before I get started, I completely realize that I'm talking about FIFTH GRADE volleyball.  That is not lost on me.  That is also why these moments are so profound. I would have NEVER agreed to do volleyball "before."  I would have never dreamed that I could take part in something that active.  Again... I realize that it's fifth grade.  The funny thing is that I wouldn't have thought I couldn't do it, I just would choose not to, subconsciously knowing that I would have been a totally crappy role model to those young ladies (and gents... though there are only 2 out of our 21 players that are male).  It's so hard to say what I would have done before or how I felt before because I think I used to try SO HARD to ignore the fact, or at least avoid at all costs, the fact that I would not have been able to perform any of the physical tasks that I would have expected those kiddos to do.  So how would I have possibly shown skills by example or even participated along side them?  I wouldn't have, so I opted out by not opting in.  Instead, what I was able to do today was kick a little fifth grade BOO-TAY.  I ran with them, did burpees with them, stretched and warmed up with them, and finally... participated and LED a group of kids that want to be active and are looking up to me because I am active and athletic.  Shit... I'm athletic!  I never thought I would say that... but even for someone that has never played volleyball seriously before, I'm not terrible!  It's pretty astounding to see how my life has changed.  It's not HUGE things all the time, but sometimes the smallest stuff.  I'm jogging and not dying with a bunch of 10-year-olds.  I am able to work out and talk (read: yell) at the same time and by the end of the practice every last one of those kids and myself were worked out, enjoying learning skills of a game that they can enjoy through their own lives.  I'm not trying to "make a mountain out of a mole-hill here," but sometimes it slaps me in the face that, "wow... this never would have happened before."  Before.  Before I was huge and opting out.  Now I'm not huge, and I am very much opting in.  I have done a lot of things and experienced a lot of things.  Geez, even the other day, one of my little friends in my class had "escaped" into a very confined litle space and before I wouldn't have even thought to try to get in there to talk to him to get him out of the place in his head that made him want to be so isolated.  Instead, I shimmied my not-so-tiny, but not-so-huge body into behind a wall to squat and quietly talk to a kiddo that needed some calming words from an adult they knew cared about them.  I am present.  I am present in a way that I didn't know I wasn't present before.  I don't know if that makes sense... but it's not like I was knowingly even NOT being present.  But now that I am actually there, and active, and excited, and happy... I come to realize those moments that would have gone down an entirely different way because my physical self inhibited my mental self from really getting "down and dirty" with the things that come up in my life.  I'm not running around every day from revelation to revelation... but seriously... do you think this girl could have done this?  I'm just so proud.  I'm proud to be where I am and I'm also just so proud of who I'm "allowed" to be now that I have more confidence, more awareness, and simply more ability to be.  The picture on the left was almost two years before to the day of the picture on the right.  The left was lounging, happily, I might add, in my parent's pool.  The one of the right is near the conclusion of my first, and hopefully not my last, Warrior Dash.  Not bad.... not bad at all.

Today food was sort of a "non-issue" because it was SO BUSY!  From school, to volleyball practice, to visiting a bestie with a new baby, to home, to dinner, to snuggles with a semi-sick kid, to bedtime to this... I'm wiped and food was whatever what was in front of me.  Thanks to my hubby today because he made sure I was well-nourished to do anything and everything I wanted to do.

I shoved into my belly:
Breakfast:  A DELICIOUS omlette of mushrooms, peppers, and spinach with a side of avocado.  Also, a bowl of sliced bananas, raspberries, and shredded unsweetened coconut.  Yummmmm!
Lunch:  I SNARFED some leftover chicken veggie soup and some carrots.
Snack:  Grapefruit.  Still yum.
Dinner:  Leftover pork carnitas on greens with peppers, avocado, carrots, beets, and some salsa "dressing."  Finished with some raspberries for "something sweet."

MUUUUUUUHN-day...

So, I'm gonna' start with a totally un-paleo approach to today and say... I AM SO FREAKING TIRED OF BEING WOKEN UP BY MY 3-YEAR-OLD TELLING ME SHE PEED HER BED.  Seriously... we have washed her sheets more in the last two weeks than I have washed my own sheets in the last year.  I'm annoyed.  I have NO IDEA what to do.  We've limited liquids, her bathroom is lit up like the Luxor in Vegas, and her route to the pot has never been more explicit.  She has even peed THROUGH her pull-up which we have resorted to on more than one occasion. I'm annoyed, and completely unclear on what the h-e-double hockey stick to do.  ARGH.  I guess I should be grateful because at least it wasn't her waking me up squishing her hands together telling me she needed to wash her hands... and being SLAMMED in the face with the smell of Baby Vick's Vapo-Rub.  At 2:00 in the morning, my daughter woke me up to inform me that she wasn't tired, so she rubbed herself down in Vicks Vapo Rub.  WHAAAAAAT????  God bless that child, but I sometimes wanna' just shove her in a closet and forget she was there.  She would probably be perfectly happy there and we'd just hear a little peep every now and then asking for an iPad or a snack or something.  Weirdo.

Today was so very much a Monday.  I'm tired, I wanted nothing but junk food, and I didn't have time to work out because of a quick after-school meeting that I didn't know I should be at.  But tomorrow I start coaching volleyball!  HA!  A whole bunch of fifth grade kiddos running around attempting to bump and set balls.  What am I getting myself into?  Ah well... Monday is soon behind me and I'm heading into Tuesday with "hopefully" a whole new attitude.  OH!  I almost forgot... I started today with a dance party dedicated to one of my co-teachers that left me the year before last.  We often found ourselves needing a quick pre-school-day dance party to change our outlook... so here is today's dance party. Hopefully it'll help you feel a little better.  :)

I filled my belly with:

Breakfast:  Leftover sweet potato hash and two eggs, sliced bananas mixed with unsweetened shredded coconut, raspberries, and slivered raw almonds.  (REALLY FILLING and probably a little much... but really needed for getting me out in to the world today... plus, I needed all the fuel I could get my hands on for that kickin' dance party.  Yes... I'm 34.)
Lunch:  Leftover spaghetti squash and ground turkey marinara, baby carrots, and a grapefruit.  (Have I mentioned I am OBSESSED with this citrus?  Sidenote: I have a grapefruit soul sister at school that picked me up a bag from Costco... it was like the sweetest little thoughtful gift and it was a bag of grapefruit... I love her.)
Dinner:  (TALK ABOUT A WEIRD MIX... The hubby was gone at a meeting, so I ate...) Half a leftover chicken thigh, part of an avocado, some applewood smoked bacon, pistachios, and an apple.  Weird?  yes.  Filling?  Yes.  Satisfying... not terribly.

Holla!!!!

Wowzers... here we are... almost exactly one year later and I'm finishing up my next 30-day challenge in Paleo-land.  It's gone pretty well all things considered, and albeit there were a couple pumpkin muffins consumed, it looks like it's going to "end" better than it did last time (in a vat of cinnamon roll ice cream).  Although I am not going to attempt to back-log ALL the meals I've eaten so far on this leg of the journey, I thought I would start here... at the "end" of the 30 days and see how things move forward... so here's to a step forward and perhaps something a little more positive than Tillamook ice cream.  However, I will admit that now that pumpkin season is among us, I am fully intending on some pumpkin froyo on Saturday night (the 31st day).  That being said, let's see where this takes me and how things are progressing from here.  Five days to go and a whole crapload of choices to make day-in and day-out.  Life isn't going to slow down, so let's see what I do with this.  Today I could feel a binge coming on, so I ate a few more fruits than I probably should, and I won't mention the pumpkin muffin batter... but all things considered... could have been WAY worse.  I'll take it.  Happy Fall ya'll!  You'll be hearing from me... AGAIN.

What I put in my belly today...
Breakfast: Sweet Potato "hash" with spinach and all-natural bacon topped with two poached eggs (my hubby bought me an egg poaching pan for my bday... AMAZE-BALLS.)
Snack:  Grapefruit (truly obsessed)
Lunch:  It was kind of a late breakfast, and unfortunately I opted to rock out some of the pumpkin muffin dough I was making "for the girls."
Snack:  Orange
Dinner:  REALLY GOOD chicken and veggie soup (secret: put a can of pumpkin in the soup and it'll thicken it up and make it seriously hearty and delicious-like.)
Dessert:  Grapefruit (I told you I was obsessed.)

Oops...

So... slips happen.  I made it 24 days with no packaged foods whatsoever.  Seriously... like the only thing that wasn't "fresh" was like some salsa I bought from New Seasons.  I made it nearly four weeks eating no bread, no cheese, no grains of any kind, no sugars, no nothing.  Shit, I even stopped drinking coffee (and had the headache to prove it for three days).  I have been drinking decaffeinated herbals teas and ice water.  I have been eating fresh meats and veggies with fruit and nuts for four weeks.  Tonight... I had ice cream.  Not just a little bit of vanilla or anything, but a motherload of sugar and processed ingredients.  Right now is when I would like to say a bit about guilt.  I have always been an inherently guilty person.  Not that I've always done things wrong, but I am incessantly apologizing for everything, even if I don't know why I'm apologizing.  I have no idea why, it's not like I got a lot of guilt trips as a child or anything... I just always feel responsible for things, and when it's not perfect, or things don't work perfectly, I freak and feel responsible, and then apologize, over and over.  Then I just feel bad about it.  Sheesh.  I don't know... so tonight I had my paleo soup that I prepared this morning... then had a hankering for something more, so I had an apple... and then began the tailspin.  You know, those f'ers who claim that eating paleo just "does away" with their sugar cravings all together are INSANE.  I agree that it makes you taste food differently, and things that weren't particularly sweet before now taste more sweet... but I still want cake, I still want candy, and I definitely still want ice cream.  I even buckled and had some raw honey with a couple scoops of almond butter.  Nope, that wasn't gonna' cut it either.  Then out came this bit of magic from the freezer.  It was like I was possessed.  I could hear myself saying to put the damn container back, but it came out, I opened it, and then proceeded to MOW it.  I know I have "triggers," and I know that's something I consistently need to work on, but I also know there are just some stressful times in life, and finding comfort in food is something that I've done my whole life, and that habit is hard to break.  It tasted delicious, and THAT was what I wanted.  Not nuts or fruit.  I wanted some g.d. ice cream.
So I ate it.  It was sweet, cinnamon-y, goodness.  I loved every minute of it. HOWEVER, that's not to say that there isn't a part of me that wishes I resisted.  I probably should have stopped myself after the honey, but I didn't.  So now begins the process of trying to NOT feel guilty and moving forward and starting tomorrow as a new day.  There are so many things I'm taking from this process, and one of them is that there are so many decisions to make throughout the day, and food is an important one... but it's not the ONLY one.  So many things go on day in and day out, and making smart and healthy choices about food is SUPER important and relevant to me, but I know that I have to be easy on myself and to see how far I've come, and know that the process that led me this far is not going to lead me astray.  Paleo is making more aware of eating fresh and clean, but there is also something really important about moderation and maintenance.  So today, my goal is give myself a break, enjoy the moment, and then start again tomorrow.  Mistakes happen, and it builds character.  Just like I preach to my 3rd graders, "I can't get mad at you for making a mistake, because that's what people do.  But if you don't start learning from your mistakes, then you're not going to become anything more than you are right now, and we all have growing to do... even me." 

Mondays...

Poor Monday... everybody just hates it.  Especially teachers.  Actually, I don't know if it's ESPECIALLY teachers, or it just feels like that since that's what I know.  I really truly do TRY to get myself into a "place" when I get to school, because if I'm not thinking it's gonna' be a good day, and if I'm scattered or out of sorts, the kids know it... and they POUNCE.  They feed off my anxiety and then they're TERRIBLE!  To be honest they weren't "terrible" today, they just are the loudest bunch of 3rd graders in the world.  Again, it's POSSIBLE I'm being a bit narrow-minded since this is all I know.  However, I'm willing to bet that they would be right up there with just about any little 3rd grade crew. 

I'm really going to spiral in to a poor little "woe is me" diatribe here, so if that sickens you, look away... avert your eyes.  I promise it won't last long.  I love my job, but you know how when being a grown-up just kinda' sneaks up on you and it generally just sucks ass?  I mean, I know EVERYBODY has to do it, and I know that everyone is totally dealing with their own shit all the time.  But do you ever just get so tired of "dealing?"  It literally goes from one second to another where there's a separate and completely important issue that needs to be resolved.  Like the SECOND you pay a bill (that you realize is two weeks late), you get the reminder that you have another bill that needs to get paid?  Then, shortly after, you realize you had an appointment that you missed, and then you forgot to get together the bank statements for last month to get for the refinance guy, then you also forgot that you had to make sub plans for the next day, and OH SHIT, I gotta' make the copies for the math test while I'm gone, and then CRAP, what am I gonna' make for dinner?  Oh, and somewhere in there I'm supposed to work out, drive to get the girls, make dinner, get them fed (and not have Lucy freak the hell out), at least WASH MY FACE since I sweat like a man on the treadmill, and then clean the kitchen (then realize we're out of dish soap for the dishwasher), then at least hug my daughter before getting her to bed.  Now, though... now is the moment when the breathing regulates, the heart returns to a natural rhythm, and things begin to set themselves right with the world.  I get to sit on the couch with my Anna while she colors on my ipad and I get to debrief my day.  For whatever reason I've just been in a foul mood.  You know how sometimes things just don't work out the way you kinda' had them set up in your head?  I'm terrible about that.  I totally have expectations in my head, that I am not even completely aware of.  Then, I get disappointed.  Or... I don't know if disappointed is right, but I just get surprised... and not like a 'SURPRISE... IT'S AN AWESOME PARTY IN YOUR HONOR BECAUSE YOU'RE AMAZING' kind of surprise.  This is more like a "SURPRISE... SOMEONE BACKED IN TO YOUR CAR IN THE PARKING LOT AND DIDN'T LEAVE A NOTE" kind of surprise.  Sometimes that "vision" you have of your life just doesn't pan out, or happen the way you think it will.  Whether it's money, relationships, living arrangements, your house, having kids or not having kids, your pets, your car, your body!, your job, hell... even your outfit... it's never easy to readjust.  I'm not saying I won't, or that it can't happen, but sometimes it's just so hard to keep readjusting.  There are so many things that DO work out right, and I would love to ascribe to that cliche saying of "there's a reason for everything" even though we may not know it.  I guess that's easy enough to see in my own life.  Shit, I met my husband online!  I should have known then that would keep me on my toes.  Further, when we got pregnant with our first little lady, Anna... I couldn't have been more surprised... and geez... what an AWESOME adjustment that's been.  This girl is literally the light of my world.  She brings me so insane amounts of joy I cry just thinking about it.  That's not to say there are times that I literally want to WRING HER NECK... but the benefits of being the Mother of such an amazing little girl makes me feel like there are so many things that are RIGHT in this world.  Like, even amidst all the SHIT I'm having to adjust to, and handle, that things really are fundamentally good.  And as long as I can keep her safe, and keep her on the path she's already headed down, my job in this life is fairly simple.  Don't get me wrong, it TERRIFIES me to think of her out in this world without me to watch out for her and to keep her safe at every turn... but I really hope that I will be a Mom that will be able to "let go" when it's time for her to figure it out for herself.  But I tell you what... I am going to try to shelter this amazing little creature for as long as I can.  Lucy, on the other hand, I'll feed her to the wolves at the first chance I get.  KIDDING!!!  She's just a creature of a COMPLETELY different character than Ms. Anna.  Anyway... on with things.  Much like it always does... I sit here and immediately feel better taking time to actually take a look at the incredible things that are going on in my life.  Not only am I adjusting, but god dammit, I'm doing it while I'm still working on improving who I am... not just making sure everyone else's life needs are being met.  Because you know what?  I DID drive to the gym after work (where I totally sweated my balls off), I did get my girls on time, and I came home to make a kick-ass dinner with my ladies.  I know that things will be alright.  I know that in the craziness of life, I'm just so glad I've found a way to take a step back and get a better look.  I get so wrapped up in myself, and my troubles AT THAT MOMENT, that I forget to appreciate all the amazing little miracles that happen every second of the day.  God, I sound like a damn Hallmark card or a Sunday Morning cable TV church show.  But the truth is, I need this.  I need to remember why I do the things I do and why I've made the choices I've made.  I need to be reminded what a TOTALLY drastic change I've made in my life.  I had an AWESOME dinner last night with a couple that is in a very similar place as us (kids about the same age and not shy about painting life to not be the sunshine and roses that everyone leads you to believe).  I was greeted by the husband that said he wouldn't even have recognized me (that's a good start), and went on through the evening having awesome REAL conversation about our kids, about life, about dieting (ugh), and laughing our asses off about it.  The wife (an old teaching partner) wanted to like "why" I was doing the Paleo thing... because she was under the impression that I didn't need to lose any more weight!  God bless her!  HOWEVER... she was asking legitimately because she's truly interested.  I know she's not blowing sunshine up my ass... EVER.  This girl is pretty damn awesome.  Anyhooo... it's funny because I told her that I still deal with the same insecurities I've dealt with my whole life.  No amount of weight lost, or sizes dropped will change who I just AM.  She even said... "yeah, like ultimately you're the same person  you were when you were 5 even when you're 35."  She was right... and one thing that people have a hard time really understanding sometimes is that when you drop all this weight, you don't really change that much, and if anything it amplifies whatever "issues" landed you at 296 pounds to begin with.  I'm still really searching to figure that out.  It's a long process and I have a feeling it's going to take me forever to figure it out... but doing the Paleo just makes me more AWARE of what I'm doing.  Plus, I love the way it makes me feel to know that all the foods I'm eating are so damn good for you!  I mean, I haven't had anything PACKAGED in like 3 weeks.  That's CRAZY!!!  In the course of a day, I couldn't even tell you how many packages of crap I would open.  That's the thing though... it's not for everybody, and I get that.  Some people find great success with packages.  I just know that FOR ME I don't feel as good about it.  Plus, thinking about my girls, and loving that my daughters know what brussel sprouts are, and will EAT THEM makes me excited to keep introducing new and delicious things into our world.  Geez... talk about a serious flow of consciousness.  I am a rambler, but deal with it.  :) HA!  Honestly, it's just been a real crazy few days, and what keeps bringing me back are a few things.  I LOVE my kids.  Like I PAINFULLY love them... like it HURTS sometimes.  I LOVE who I am now.  I'm just so much more aware of myself... and I advocate for myself.  I still feel guilty sometimes, and I still feel like I'm being selfish at times... but that's part of the process.  I need to be an advocate for ME before I can advocate for anybody else.  Feeling like I'm in control of food, and eating makes me feel good.  Paleo has enabled me to see food differently and to taste food differently.  I really do think that knowing how much the food is NOURISHING my body makes it actually taste better.  Talk about a mind 'f', right? 

OH!  Hell, in the midst of all of this, I almost forgot my weigh-in at the gym before I sweated like a beast on the freaking treadmill (who knew walking at a 12.0 incline would make you sweat more than jogging at 1.0... HA!!!).  I weighed in and I came in at 172.4.  I lost a pound.  I know... it's a loss.  Plus, I really do think I'm SEEING changes in my body that I am excited about.  I don't know... this whole thing plays such games with your perception that I'll just keep goin' by feel.  We'll see what next week brings.  I'm almost done!  Can you believe it's day 22?  Only 8 days left in the 30 day challenge.  So far so good.  I haven't lost half my body weight or anything... but I've done it!  I haven't cheated ONCE!  Tonight was a GREAT example of how much things have changed... Here is what I made for din-din... I would have NEVER done this before, and it was AWESOME and seriously satisfying.

Start with a SHITLOAD of mushrooms sliced thin (through the food processor connector thingy) and some onions and garlic.  Sautee for a while until it cooks down.  Add about .5 pound ground beef... brown with the mushrooms and onions and garlic.  When that's browned, add another buttload of shredded brussel sprouts and cook those down.  At this point, all this is coming together in a seriously UGLY brown and cabbage-y looking mess (but I must admit... I love brown food... it's usually VERY tasty).  I added some tomato paste, crushed fresh garden tomatoes, and some beef broth.  I let that simmer until it reduced a bit.  Then I nuked the leftover roasted sweet potatoes from chili night and put those in the food processor with some almond milk and salt and pepper.  FINALLY, I finished it with some roasted hazelnuts that I put over the stove in a dry skillet until they smelled like heaven.  I put that on top and then ate my face off.  It was kind of like a take on shepherd's pie, only I have to say I think it was better.  It was seriously good.  Now I'm finishing my evening with some pumpkin spice tea sitting next to my Anna on the sofa letting her stay up late so I can just sit here with her.  I'm taking the day off work tomorrow so I can be the preschool shuttle while Grammy and Papa are out of town and I could NOT bet happier.  Happy Tuesday... adios Monday.

My belly was filled with:
Breakfast:  Scrambled egg (one whole egg, two whites) and a small honeycrisp apple with almond butter.
Lunch:  Leftover chili and half a sweet potato and carrots.  Oh, and our cafeteria has a new initiative (thanks Michelle Obama... I don't care what political "stance" you take, this lady is getting our kids to try new fruits and veggies, and that's pretty freaking awesome) that they have at least one fresh fruit and veggie option every day.  Today they had an AWESOME fruit salad with pineapple, watermelon, cantaloupe, kiwi, grapes, and they even put jicama in there!  FREAKING FANTASTIC!
Dinner:  Sweet Potato "Shepherds Pie" and pumpkin spice tea.  oh, and I think I had a handful of blueberries when I was done cleaning the kitchen (after I figured out we were out of dish soap).