I'm really going to spiral in to a poor little "woe is me" diatribe here, so if that sickens you, look away... avert your eyes. I promise it won't last long. I love my job, but you know how when being a grown-up just kinda' sneaks up on you and it generally just sucks ass? I mean, I know EVERYBODY has to do it, and I know that everyone is totally dealing with their own shit all the time. But do you ever just get so tired of "dealing?" It literally goes from one second to another where there's a separate and completely important issue that needs to be resolved. Like the SECOND you pay a bill (that you realize is two weeks late), you get the reminder that you have another bill that needs to get paid? Then, shortly after, you realize you had an appointment that you missed, and then you forgot to get together the bank statements for last month to get for the refinance guy, then you also forgot that you had to make sub plans for the next day, and OH SHIT, I gotta' make the copies for the math test while I'm gone, and then CRAP, what am I gonna' make for dinner? Oh, and somewhere in there I'm supposed to work out, drive to get the girls, make dinner, get them fed (and not have Lucy freak the hell out), at least WASH MY FACE since I sweat like a man on the treadmill, and then clean the kitchen (then realize we're out of dish soap for the dishwasher), then at least hug my daughter before getting her to bed. Now, though... now is the moment when the breathing regulates, the heart returns to a natural rhythm, and things begin to set themselves right with the world. I get to sit on the couch with my Anna while she colors on my ipad and I get to debrief my day. For whatever reason I've just been in a foul mood. You know how sometimes things just don't work out the way you kinda' had them set up in your head? I'm terrible about that. I totally have expectations in my head, that I am not even completely aware of. Then, I get disappointed. Or... I don't know if disappointed is right, but I just get surprised... and not like a 'SURPRISE... IT'S AN AWESOME PARTY IN YOUR HONOR BECAUSE YOU'RE AMAZING' kind of surprise. This is more like a "SURPRISE... SOMEONE BACKED IN TO YOUR CAR IN THE PARKING LOT AND DIDN'T LEAVE A NOTE" kind of surprise. Sometimes that "vision" you have of your life just doesn't pan out, or happen the way you think it will. Whether it's money, relationships, living arrangements, your house, having kids or not having kids, your pets, your car, your body!, your job, hell... even your outfit... it's never easy to readjust. I'm not saying I won't, or that it can't happen, but sometimes it's just so hard to keep readjusting. There are so many things that DO work out right, and I would love to ascribe to that cliche saying of "there's a reason for everything" even though we may not know it. I guess that's easy enough to see in my own life. Shit, I met my husband online! I should have known then that would keep me on my toes. Further, when we got pregnant with our first little lady, Anna... I couldn't have been more surprised... and geez... what an AWESOME adjustment that's been. This girl is literally the light of my world. She brings me so insane amounts of joy I cry just thinking about it. That's not to say there are times that I literally want to WRING HER NECK... but the benefits of being the Mother of such an amazing little girl makes me feel like there are so many things that are RIGHT in this world. Like, even amidst all the SHIT I'm having to adjust to, and handle, that things really are fundamentally good. And as long as I can keep her safe, and keep her on the path she's already headed down, my job in this life is fairly simple. Don't get me wrong, it TERRIFIES me to think of her out in this world without me to watch out for her and to keep her safe at every turn... but I really hope that I will be a Mom that will be able to "let go" when it's time for her to figure it out for herself. But I tell you what... I am going to try to shelter this amazing little creature for as long as I can. Lucy, on the other hand, I'll feed her to the wolves at the first chance I get. KIDDING!!! She's just a creature of a COMPLETELY different character than Ms. Anna. Anyway... on with things. Much like it always does... I sit here and immediately feel better taking time to actually take a look at the incredible things that are going on in my life. Not only am I adjusting, but god dammit, I'm doing it while I'm still working on improving who I am... not just making sure everyone else's life needs are being met. Because you know what? I DID drive to the gym after work (where I totally sweated my balls off), I did get my girls on time, and I came home to make a kick-ass dinner with my ladies. I know that things will be alright. I know that in the craziness of life, I'm just so glad I've found a way to take a step back and get a better look. I get so wrapped up in myself, and my troubles AT THAT MOMENT, that I forget to appreciate all the amazing little miracles that happen every second of the day. God, I sound like a damn Hallmark card or a Sunday Morning cable TV church show. But the truth is, I need this. I need to remember why I do the things I do and why I've made the choices I've made. I need to be reminded what a TOTALLY drastic change I've made in my life. I had an AWESOME dinner last night with a couple that is in a very similar place as us (kids about the same age and not shy about painting life to not be the sunshine and roses that everyone leads you to believe). I was greeted by the husband that said he wouldn't even have recognized me (that's a good start), and went on through the evening having awesome REAL conversation about our kids, about life, about dieting (ugh), and laughing our asses off about it. The wife (an old teaching partner) wanted to like "why" I was doing the Paleo thing... because she was under the impression that I didn't need to lose any more weight! God bless her! HOWEVER... she was asking legitimately because she's truly interested. I know she's not blowing sunshine up my ass... EVER. This girl is pretty damn awesome. Anyhooo... it's funny because I told her that I still deal with the same insecurities I've dealt with my whole life. No amount of weight lost, or sizes dropped will change who I just AM. She even said... "yeah, like ultimately you're the same person you were when you were 5 even when you're 35." She was right... and one thing that people have a hard time really understanding sometimes is that when you drop all this weight, you don't really change that much, and if anything it amplifies whatever "issues" landed you at 296 pounds to begin with. I'm still really searching to figure that out. It's a long process and I have a feeling it's going to take me forever to figure it out... but doing the Paleo just makes me more AWARE of what I'm doing. Plus, I love the way it makes me feel to know that all the foods I'm eating are so damn good for you! I mean, I haven't had anything PACKAGED in like 3 weeks. That's CRAZY!!! In the course of a day, I couldn't even tell you how many packages of crap I would open. That's the thing though... it's not for everybody, and I get that. Some people find great success with packages. I just know that FOR ME I don't feel as good about it. Plus, thinking about my girls, and loving that my daughters know what brussel sprouts are, and will EAT THEM makes me excited to keep introducing new and delicious things into our world. Geez... talk about a serious flow of consciousness. I am a rambler, but deal with it. :) HA! Honestly, it's just been a real crazy few days, and what keeps bringing me back are a few things. I LOVE my kids. Like I PAINFULLY love them... like it HURTS sometimes. I LOVE who I am now. I'm just so much more aware of myself... and I advocate for myself. I still feel guilty sometimes, and I still feel like I'm being selfish at times... but that's part of the process. I need to be an advocate for ME before I can advocate for anybody else. Feeling like I'm in control of food, and eating makes me feel good. Paleo has enabled me to see food differently and to taste food differently. I really do think that knowing how much the food is NOURISHING my body makes it actually taste better. Talk about a mind 'f', right?
OH! Hell, in the midst of all of this, I almost forgot my weigh-in at the gym before I sweated like a beast on the freaking treadmill (who knew walking at a 12.0 incline would make you sweat more than jogging at 1.0... HA!!!). I weighed in and I came in at 172.4. I lost a pound. I know... it's a loss. Plus, I really do think I'm SEEING changes in my body that I am excited about. I don't know... this whole thing plays such games with your perception that I'll just keep goin' by feel. We'll see what next week brings. I'm almost done! Can you believe it's day 22? Only 8 days left in the 30 day challenge. So far so good. I haven't lost half my body weight or anything... but I've done it! I haven't cheated ONCE! Tonight was a GREAT example of how much things have changed... Here is what I made for din-din... I would have NEVER done this before, and it was AWESOME and seriously satisfying.
Start with a SHITLOAD of mushrooms sliced thin (through the food processor connector thingy) and some onions and garlic. Sautee for a while until it cooks down. Add about .5 pound ground beef... brown with the mushrooms and onions and garlic. When that's browned, add another buttload of shredded brussel sprouts and cook those down. At this point, all this is coming together in a seriously UGLY brown and cabbage-y looking mess (but I must admit... I love brown food... it's usually VERY tasty). I added some tomato paste, crushed fresh garden tomatoes, and some beef broth. I let that simmer until it reduced a bit. Then I nuked the leftover roasted sweet potatoes from chili night and put those in the food processor with some almond milk and salt and pepper. FINALLY, I finished it with some roasted hazelnuts that I put over the stove in a dry skillet until they smelled like heaven. I put that on top and then ate my face off. It was kind of like a take on shepherd's pie, only I have to say I think it was better. It was seriously good. Now I'm finishing my evening with some pumpkin spice tea sitting next to my Anna on the sofa letting her stay up late so I can just sit here with her. I'm taking the day off work tomorrow so I can be the preschool shuttle while Grammy and Papa are out of town and I could NOT bet happier. Happy Tuesday... adios Monday.
My belly was filled with:
Breakfast: Scrambled egg (one whole egg, two whites) and a small honeycrisp apple with almond butter.
Lunch: Leftover chili and half a sweet potato and carrots. Oh, and our cafeteria has a new initiative (thanks Michelle Obama... I don't care what political "stance" you take, this lady is getting our kids to try new fruits and veggies, and that's pretty freaking awesome) that they have at least one fresh fruit and veggie option every day. Today they had an AWESOME fruit salad with pineapple, watermelon, cantaloupe, kiwi, grapes, and they even put jicama in there! FREAKING FANTASTIC!
Dinner: Sweet Potato "Shepherds Pie" and pumpkin spice tea. oh, and I think I had a handful of blueberries when I was done cleaning the kitchen (after I figured out we were out of dish soap).
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