To market, to market...

I am officially in love with my farmer's market.  It's small enough to be "cute," but big enough to be completely awesome and you can find just about anything under the sun.  The veggies, the fruit, the meat, the cheese!... there's everything.  The hubs and I actually started going to this neighborhood/city market before we actually moved to our house that is now in this area.  We LOVED the market so much, it probably had something to do with me wanting to move with this area somewhere in my subconscious. 

 Um, and yes... there was in fact an actual BANJO BAND playing this morning.  You can't see it, but there are seriously tubas back there.  Pretty freaking awesome.

When Anna (4 years) was first born, we would go to the market when she was just weeks old and I remember laying a napkin over her head in the baby bjorn so I wouldn't spill salsa on her head while I was eating my breakfast omelet.  HA!!!  Poor kids... It's just CRAZY to me to think how much things have changed in these four years.  I was just so different then.  That's not to say I wouldn't still put a napkin over my newborn's head to protect it from salsa... 'cuz I would.  But I just think about that time in my life.  It was such a mix of things.  I had this incredible new person who I loved beyond measure, but I was exhausted, as every new Mom is, and so completely unaware of what was happening to me.  It was my own doing, I CHOSE to be unaware and to stay blissfully ignorant to state of... well... me!  You know how people say how unhappy they were when they were overweight, or "obese" in my case... but I don't think I was unhappy.  I think I was completely unaware.  I had myself completely fooled into thinking I was something I wasn't.  I had absolutely NO IDEA how far I had let myself go.  When I see pictures from then, I am BLOWN AWAY by what I looked like. 

 Still sometimes I am surprised that was me.  I don't know exactly how it works, but somewhere along the way I had stopped seeing myself.  It's like I had a pause button somewhere that kept me from seeing the progression from being "slightly" overweight (again, in my head), to grossly overweight, and finally plain old obese (which is SUCH a dirty word in my head).  But I did.  That progression happened and somewhere along the way my brain perception paused, but my body didn't.  I still laughed, had a great time, enjoyed my friends, and truly LOVED my life.  I had an amazing family, had extraordinary friends, and I was feeling very "complete."  I really don't know what happens in that place where reality meets perception.  My self-perception was so completely out of whack that it took me weighing in at nearly 300 pounds to really come around to the fact that I outweighed someone off the starting defensive line for a football team.  I outweighed my own Dad, I think.  I just don't see how it happened.  I mean, physically I know it's 'cuz I fed my face with all kinds of shit... but seriously... how in the world did it happen?  I didn't have any kind of crazy trauma or anything, I had a fairly fulfilled life, and yet... something, somewhere clicked all kinds of jacked up that led me to be teetering on some scale of "big" I had never dreamt I would be.  I mean, nobody thinks about being overweight, right?  I think it became so much of who I am that it failed to be a part anymore.  HOWEVER... here's what I do remember, and that I was aware of.  I could never shop.  I always ended up wearing the same sad few outfits that fit, but were suitable enough that I would feel okay about myself in them.  Again... Looking back, I'm shocked by it because even those outfits really didn't do much for me (just another sign of how my perception was so flawed).  I wish I could say what "clicked" for me, and when, and how.  But I really have no idea.  I'm kind of one of those people that just makes a decision at some point, and then I stick with it.  I made a decision on July 28th of 2009.  I'll seriously never forget it because it was AFTER my hubby's bday and AFTER brew-fest (which is a MUST in this family) and I went in to the gym to weigh in for the first time with a trainer.  Joe.  Joe used to torture me, but he also made me painfully aware of how my body and my weight were encumbering me and that I had some seriously hard work to do.  God, I hated him at so many points in that first month, but I made progress.  Pretty soon I made more progress and pretty soon after that I was down nearly 50 pounds.  I saw myself for real because I wanted so badly to really see the changes that were happening.  Granted, things got a bit stalled out because of the pregnancy #2, but geez... thank goodness whatever clicked, clicked.

Now here we are, three plus years later and I am on my second 30-day challenge, and kicking its ass.  I went to the market this morning, on the prowl for yellow beets.  Seriously... I think I have a problem.  I left there with beets, radishes, an onion, some zucchini, some veggie chip things (that were BOMB-DIGGY), some fresh bacon, and two pounds of grass fed ground beef.  I LOVE the farmer's market, and I LOVE that I'm someone that uses it for what it's for... buying food that will nourish a healthy body and serve to be an example of that to my own daughters.  Bringing home veggie chips for them to try and to have them like it instead of being a supplier of donuts and cookies to make myself feel better about wanting and buying them.  I honestly wish I could tell you how profound it is to have these moments of pause where you see how far you've come.  I am so GLAD that I get these moments because aside from my family (my husband, and my two incredible daughters), this is the proudest I have felt of something I have accomplished.  I am so excited for MYSELF from the inside-out.  I get to do anything and everything that I want to do because I can.  I get to SHOP anywhere I want because I can (even though it is a BIT cost-prohibitive).  I get to really "walk the walk" that I dreamt of doing for my kids... I get to SHOW them that they can do and be absolutely anything in the world they want because I've done it.  I wanted to be someone that was excited and energetic, and I am.  I wanted to be someone that would play chase and actually catch my kids.  I wanted to be someone that would see strength in their body in ways I didn't even think was possible.  I wanted to be someone that was content in putting ANYTHING in her closet on because no matter what I wear, HOW I wear it is what's important.  I just FEEL good.  I am proud of that most of all, because that shows in everything I do.  I have SO MUCH SHIT to still figure out, but I'm so glad I'm tackling this one now so I can put my energy in to those things.  Tonight was a little mini-victory for me.  I'll talk more about this tomorrow perhaps, but tonight we re-started a monthly "supper club" with our closest group of friends and usually somewhere through the evening I would give myself permission to "let it go" for one night.  Well, in the midst of this 30 days, I stuck to it.  Not one slip.  Again... I feel proud.  I am strong in more ways than one.  I have will where I didn't think I did.  The knowledge of that is pretty fantastic.  Wow... I just had a moment there... thanks for stickin' with it.  PHEW.

As for today... here's what got in to my BELLY:
Breakfast:  Quick walnuts and an orange before the gym.
Snack:  Veggie chips from the market (YUMMMMM)
Brunch/Lunch:  leftover roasted beets with a fried egg on top.
Snack?:  I can't remember!  I think I had some nuts probably... I usually do.
Dinner:  Taco salad... delicious beef and chicken with avocado cilantro dressing.
Dessert: Microwaved apple and cinnamon with almond butter and chopped walnuts.